There's a Calm Before a Storm

Last night I was chatting with someone whose opinion I respect. He has a blunt frankness about him which is refreshing, and it is thanks to his awakening insight that has made me come to realization with myself at some level.

I shall not divulge in specifics as it was at the time 2.30 in the morning and I must admit details are a little fuzzy right now. When I woke at the sound of rain beating against my roof and window, I find the interesting coincidence I am in as I’ve always been partial to rainy weather. Its like nature’s way to wash the grit and grime of yesterday. It possesses the astonishing ability to refresh the living. Introducing new sounds and smells around me. The chill, the coziness it brings, enhances the warmth and protection I feel within my home.

It was with such awareness that has taken root deep in my mind and began to grow, even though it is a barren wasteland, perhaps from years of neglect and abuse of my part. So many things I could enrich myself with and yet haven’t done so. I haven’t studied as I want to study. I mean to begin afresh. Like rain, my friend’s curt and perhaps bruising honesty washed the dust and watered the ground.

We have discussed at length the differences between belief and faith. What romanticisms we have in life, general or otherwise. Along those lines came the discussion of trust. A moral value I’ve long lost in the opposite sex. It is with my negativity and distrust that has caused me to lose something precious to me before. Although I hope it is not forever lost but I have monsters of my own to tame before I can re-establish anything.

First thing first is to have faith and belief in myself before anything else. More or not, I would like to have faith in myself again as belief can be fleeting whereas faith is lasting. Perhaps with belief and faith in myself again, I can come to love myself. For how can a person give love and deserve love in return if she doesn’t love herself in the first place?